may 12

lucid dreams?

i talked to this guy about lucid dreams a few hours before sleeping yesterday.  i got stoned, went to

sleep and start lucid dreaming like fucking crazy. then the dream turned on me.

i felt like tom cruise in vanilla sky. except on a farm with stripper shoes. it was 

strange. i asked this old woman for money, and she told me i had to work for it like all the other girls. i looked around and said "fuck all of you, i'm leaving!" but then everything just disappeared into white and i woke up.

even in my lucid dreams i can't gain control, i'm still an idiot with a weird and uncreative imagination. i hope my brain forgets about the whole thing tonight.

may 7th

mush mush mush

send me the mushy. i'll gladly accept. all you have to do is show up 

without startling me..

quick!

hurry! 

before i have to pee. i don't know

if this feeling will last

try not to hurt me

may 7th

everyone is talking about cinco de mayo and i don't have any input. 

are we supposed to get drunk and party for the sake of mexican tradition?

i don't think so. actually i think it is kind of insulting, and i'm not even mexican. if i were i would find it extremely insulting. i'm getting distracted by things now, the light in the kitchen seemed so much brighter yesterday. is that even possible? am i losing it?? i did shrooms yesterday. i forgot about cinco de mayo altogether,right  after all the drunk kids left keith's apartment. i thought about things i usually think about when i'm fucked up. (shhh nitrus/glue)  there was a will ferrel movie playing in the background all night. angela kept saying everything i said was stupid. so i just didn't say anything. i lied to everyone at work a few minutes ago, because i said i would see them tomorrow and goodnight and don't worry about it even though i had a shitty night. it seemed like the rights things to say. i felt like screaming underwater like jennifer connelly in Requiem for a Dream. i wish i could come up with a different comparison that wasn't in a movie..movies are all about movies and they aren't real. i think i have a hard time telling what is real sometimes.but i think i might have heard that in a  movie too…it's hard to tell. 

engagement date:

i'm getting naked. i take off my bra strategically, then grab the sides of my pink underwear. 

he reaches for them

i push his hands away, "No. NO! You can NOT touch me there!"

his hands slide back. a smirk slides on his greasy fucked face. "Oh. Oh. You are so conservative.."

i step back. reach out a 45 automatic. bash him in the head several times..blood is squirting everywhere. he is on his knees begging for life.  his face begs for mercy, and right before i pull the trigger he said, "Please! For the love of GOD..i'm to be married next week!!" BOOM

silence

(what actually happened)

i stepped back.."You're right. I am conservative, with strangers."

he shifted and looked stupid, useless. 

i sat in his lap for two minutes and got 100 bucks. 

he still gets married next week. 

i go home, put my money in the bank, and sit here writing about things i will never do.